I don't like me today

A NEW LEARNING
People preparing to retire might want to avoid this blog entry.
I will be transparent.
I am not liking my age or my retirement today. I’m not liking myself much either. I am feeling sorry for myself. It’s entirely self-centered I am certain.

It’s snowing again. I have been out there twice today. With every shovel load I feel arthritic discomfort in my hands.
Time was when no amount of snow stopped me from driving but now the fear factor keeps us at home.
My son in law kindly picked us up to drive us to their home for supper so we would not have to drive. Both Christine and I appreciated this but we felt ancient.
I stopped for a Starbucks and noted the place full of young faces with no lines around their eyes, tight skin, brilliant eyes, pure white teeth and large smiles, and I was jealous and self conscious.
As I read about notable people who died at ages just years beyond my current age, I had the distinct sense that I’m on a slide that’s getting increasingly greasy.
Each day is like vacation, oh yes, so I do not immediately shave and dress well because I am not going anywhere. Who shouldn’t like that …but I feel lazy.
I am at home, and Christine is still coming to terms with my constant presence, albeit with my determined effort to remain in my studio/den and out of the way.
I used to be proud that I could drink any amount coffee well into the night and still sleep. Like others whom I have belittled I am now avoiding caffeine after dark. This reality is upsetting to me.
I confuse myself, pleased to be free of the press of deadlines yet often longing for the demands; happy with my isolation, disturbed to be interrupted by people or commitments and then quite to the contrary missing my former daily social contacts and interaction.
I have been painting a portrait of my departed parents and as I look into the eyes I am painting on their faces I am inconsolably lonely.
Every day is very much the same as the one before.
It’s snowing again.

Fortunately, tomorrow I may think this is the greatest time of life ever. Yea, right!

Mom and Dad

A NEW LEARNING
At different times recently I have seen both Mom and Dad. You may know what I mean. I saw Dad, walking across the street the other day as I drove past him. The smallish man was wearing the type of hat and jacket dad used to wear and I looked hard at him to see why the man looked so much like Dad. I saw Mom a few days earlier. We were in downtown Vancouver and a woman who looked like Mom when she could still walk, was briskly moving down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. She stopped in front of me and looked across at me, and then carried on. In those moments I missed my Mom and Dad terribly. I feel ancient.

Mom died in November 2007 and Dad died in April 2008.

I am feeling vulnerable. All the weight loss progress I made from last Feb – July is being lost by bad eating habits and laziness. My work life was a primary motivator for my devotional life and I have to now re-learn a discipline for my bible study and prayer.

I have a lot for which to live. Today one of my three year old grandsons wore his backpack and wanted to go on a hike. I easily accommodated him since he has no understanding about hiking. I took him around the block. On one of the adjoining streets we found a small park with a playground for children. He was thrilled to use the playground toys that dig sand and rock on large springs, and I was equally satisfied to sit on a bench and watch him and dialogue with him as he chose. On our way back home, his tiny hand in mine, he sang to me tunes and lyrics he made up as we went.

I realized that it's okay to be the grandpa, the eldest surviving member in the lineage. It's good. I have the time. I must use it as my Father wants me to do.