I don't like me today

A NEW LEARNING
People preparing to retire might want to avoid this blog entry.
I will be transparent.
I am not liking my age or my retirement today. I’m not liking myself much either. I am feeling sorry for myself. It’s entirely self-centered I am certain.

It’s snowing again. I have been out there twice today. With every shovel load I feel arthritic discomfort in my hands.
Time was when no amount of snow stopped me from driving but now the fear factor keeps us at home.
My son in law kindly picked us up to drive us to their home for supper so we would not have to drive. Both Christine and I appreciated this but we felt ancient.
I stopped for a Starbucks and noted the place full of young faces with no lines around their eyes, tight skin, brilliant eyes, pure white teeth and large smiles, and I was jealous and self conscious.
As I read about notable people who died at ages just years beyond my current age, I had the distinct sense that I’m on a slide that’s getting increasingly greasy.
Each day is like vacation, oh yes, so I do not immediately shave and dress well because I am not going anywhere. Who shouldn’t like that …but I feel lazy.
I am at home, and Christine is still coming to terms with my constant presence, albeit with my determined effort to remain in my studio/den and out of the way.
I used to be proud that I could drink any amount coffee well into the night and still sleep. Like others whom I have belittled I am now avoiding caffeine after dark. This reality is upsetting to me.
I confuse myself, pleased to be free of the press of deadlines yet often longing for the demands; happy with my isolation, disturbed to be interrupted by people or commitments and then quite to the contrary missing my former daily social contacts and interaction.
I have been painting a portrait of my departed parents and as I look into the eyes I am painting on their faces I am inconsolably lonely.
Every day is very much the same as the one before.
It’s snowing again.

Fortunately, tomorrow I may think this is the greatest time of life ever. Yea, right!

Snow Girl and Concluding Bulletin

A NEW LEARNING
She stands proudly in our back yard. “She”, I said because this is not a snow man. She is a snow girl. She is a feminist statement if ever there was one, with a flowing skirt, and dried up hydrangea hair and road hockey ball nose. She was built over Christmas by our family. I think the feminine influence was compelling during the construction. Only then? Who am I kidding?

Snow still covers Canada like a comforter. This Christmas we have been the true north, with a White Christmas from coast to coast. The snow was a great help this year. Our children’s families came for 11 AM Christmas brunch and stayed for the day with a great dinner, compliments of Christine. What are you going to do for ten hours with five grandchildren all under eight years of age? Well I have a backyard of snow unlike any other season in our eighteen year history at this home. Son in law Tim came one evening before Christmas to carve a snow cave out of the eight foot mountain of snow from my driveway. It accommodated four adults and five children. So on Christmas Eve Day and Christmas Day children and moms and dads had a blast in the backyard, burning calories and energy.

On occasions like this Christine and I are glad for this large home. The rest of the year it represents a lot of square feet to clean.

Time was that I tried ploughing my car through any amounts of snow. Now I don’t even want to venture out at all. Maybe that is an age response too. More likely it is because I was among the thousands who had good intentions to purchase snow tires but didn’t do it. The CRV has the height to get around but it needs a grip that all season radials don't provide. My MX5 won’t come out of the garage for some time. She has the clearance of a salamander.

It's going to snow all this week and next as well The Weather Channel tells me. How much load bearing capacity does a cedar shake roof have? Groan! It's already up to my yin yang.

Now I have good intentions to purchase a couple of kayaks but I likely won't do that either. I hate to think of the flooding that will occur when the rains begin soon and the temperatures rise.

(The Cedar Shake link takes you to a Bob Vila video clip.)

Bulletin: I wrote only days ago, Dec 24, of our Canadian grief at the death of three more soldiers in Afghanistan. Today we sorrow for three more brave men who died since Friday. We mourn for Warrant Officer Gaetan Joseph Roberge and Sgt. Gregory John Kruse and Pte. Michael Freeman.